L E T T E R S.

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Date: Mon, 08 May 2000
From: "Paul J. Elsberg"

Hiya.

I'm a genius. I pretty much look like everybody else and, I suppose, act like everyone else. I even think like everybody else. In fact, I am exactly like everybody else in practically every way, except for one important difference: I'm a genius.

People don't understand me. I tell them not to bother trying. It's all over their heads. How can they presume to understand me? When people respond to me (as they often do) with quizzical looks of disbelief, I typically say: "Don't worry about it--I'm a genius." That, they understand.

Don't worry about it,
Paul Elsberg the Genius


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Date: Wed, 09 May 2000
From: "Harry J. Tipple"

Dear McSweeney’s,

Oh happy hot spring day. Thank you McSweeney’s. I am saying you, McSweeney’s, because I love McSweeney’s. Also, I have never given an acceptance speech. I have not found much acceptance since the do-it-yourself surgery and the daily putting on and off of the loud metal sneaker boots, not to forget the sheet metal trousers, as they are also important, and hardly forgettable. But excuses and my morning oatmeal bowl aside, or perhaps as a funny food helmet -- there is never enough of the food helmet -- thank you very much McSweeney’s. And also: thank you, thank you. Plus, if we can say it: thanks you -- extra sss, like sleepy serpents and stylish sausages, always being apt for more fun making.

But now I must slap myself and say enough cute on and on. Here is my thought on the prize, having just run out, literally, stomping through the foyer in the steel sneakers, and rented one of my favorites, Broadway Danny Rose, thinking, "Surely Broadway Danny Rose will have many a good outdoor Manhattan scene, like all Allen films must." It did not. Most of them being brief street dialogs. So for you, McSweeney’s, a choice. Please note: these scenes are very real. Almost painfully real. Like James Tate, whom I’m enjoying very very much right now. I hope you don’t mind if my imperfect memory fails to describe them precisely.

1) Danny and Tina are thrown off a crude raft onto the foggy Manhattan waterfront after gravel skiing in New Jersey. Danny is bitching about not being able to return to his blimp. He refuses to accept the uncompromising attitude of the catapulting hit men.

2) After Danny is denied a room in a youth hostel, on the street across from something called the "Phoenix House," gangsters parachute from their hovercraft and grab Danny by the doorknob. Then they parachute back up and shove him into the vehicle.

3) Danny meets Barney Dunn, such a bad ventriloquist that he’s only worth getting if you can’t find an animal act or a blind xylophonist. Even 5 year-olds boo. They are standing on what appears to be Columbus Circle, Dunn stuttering something about a luxury barge. In the background is the barge, loitering with a frisbee in Sheep’s Meadow.

4) The Macy’s Day Parade on Central Park West. Tina hanging out with the shaving cream superhero. Danny disguised among the parade-goers as Alfred Hitchcock on rollarblades.

Looking forward to the color instants. Maybe in a bold departure from McSweeney’s policy you should post them online. Happy impersonating.

Your wily confederate,

Harry J. Tipple


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Date: Thu, 10 May 2000
From: "Joseph Fifth"
Subject: My psuedonym

Apparently my pseudonym is Joseph Fifth. I just don't know about that.

-- Francis Heaney


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Date: Thu, 10 May 2000
From: "Elizabeth C. Random"
Subject: I remembered

you're being snide, aren't you? are you?

ECRandom


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Date: Thu, 10 May 2000
From: "Elizabeth C. Random"
Subject: I remembered

oh good. easy to wrap.

ECRandom


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Date: Tue, 16 May 2000
From: "Thomas Gibbon"
Subject: A confession

Dear McSweetbread's,

For the years 1977-1996 I was Garrett Morris.

Finally free,
TGGibbon


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Read Previous Letters:
April, 2000
Late April, 2000



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