A N   I N T E R V I E W
W I T H   T H E   G E N O M E.

BY ROBERT HIGGINBOTHAM

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Q: First off, are you the private Genome, or the public one? Honestly, we haven't really been following this story, and aren't clear on the distinction.
A: Th t de pen s. If I am the pr v te Ge  me, then I w uld b  ta kin  lik  t is.

Q: Oh, we get it. You aren't speaking in complete sentences, because you aren't done yet. And that makes you the private Genome.
A: Ex ct l .

Q: But, until you are complete, you aren't very useful, and not a particularly interesting, or at least, legible, interviewee.
A: It'  not l ke my pu li cis  c lled yo .

Q: Well, we thought we were getting the real Genome. It's been all over the news lately, and a project this big? It's not like a second is necessary. What would be the point? And you really aren't nearly as articulate as the real Genome. Did you see the Time interview with him? And he looks much better.
A: H y, don'  bl me m  fo  yo r ign ora nce. May e if y o ga e me a lit le time  I cou d be a  int rest ing as th  re l Gen me.

Q: Wait a minute: your errors aren't consistent. Shouldn't the gaps be the same from instance to instance? You spelled 'like' as both 'lik' and 'li e' up there. Are you making all this up?
A: Lo k, it doe n't w  k l ke th t. Not  t e sp lli g of 'li e' there. Y u ob ious y sle t throu h Org nic Ch m.

Q: I didn't even take it. But they don't talk about genes in Organic Chem. You slept through it too!
A: No, I didn't even take it. How would the Genome enroll in college? Silly.

Q: Hey, why are you talking in complete sentences now?
A: It was tedious, all that intentional mistyping. All those non-breaking spaces, it was a big pain in the ass. Besides, everyone stopped reading after the third line, figuring this was another one of those one-note jokes that is all you are capable of.

Q: Well, what about this?
A: What, this injection of self-referentiality mid-stream because the piece is falling apart halfway through?

Q: Oh, great, now everyone is going to think I'm making fun of them. That this is mean-spirited satire. Kevin Guilfoile will start writing nasty letters about me again.
A: Aren't you talking about Kevin Shay there, and, besides, he's funny. You're just lame.

Q: What, are you trying to ingratiate yourself with them? You think they are going to publish a piece by the Genome?
A: It'd be better than this, I'd wager. Lots of 1s and 0s, in some retro kitschy not really understanding the science of gene mapping way.

Q: But would you bother to make sure that all the 1s and 0s would translate into Hex code so that a diligent reader might translate the piece?
A: Probably not. They would, for sure, but that's because they are better educated than you. Maybe they would do it for me. Or I'd do the first couple lines, so that a general rumor would start among the five or so people that would bother to read this about how cool it was, and rigororous, that I would do that. They would probably give up after a couple of lines anyway. Or, I'd talk about how I would do that, then wouldn't so some would bother to check and find nothing, because the tease of not knowing something of such arcane irrelevance would drive them crazy. And they would be sheepish and amused by the fact that it was the process of the joke, not the results.

Q: Even I stopped reading that answer.
A: Oh, like you didn't write it. Asshole. And you are running it on a Saturday, so it's not like anyone is going to read it, because Big never publishes on Saturday.

Q: Well, I might leave it up for Monday.
A: Yeah, great, another five consecutive days because you aren't that original. Superheroes, woo-hoo. You think that annoying rotating home page trick will fool people into checking each day, and they won't notice it's the same stale content?

Q: What is this now, some bad psychology parody thing?
A: No, and watch it, you'll have to apologize to one of those Kevins again.

Q: Oh, sorry. You think Ben Greenman is pissed at me?
A: Ben Greenman doesn't think about you.






OTHER McSWEENEY'S STORIES
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We Have Seen the Future, and It is Humble: Surely Evidence of our End Times (We Don't Really Think So, but Want to Fan the Flames of Paranoia). And We Really Like These Long Titles.
Some Superheroes by Dave Pepey
Ben, We Hardly Knew Ye: A Fromage by Dan Vaden
The Last Ten Minutes of Lunch: Sponsored by CDNOW by Patience Lee
Not Separated at Birth by Sarah Mason and John Pull



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