S O M E   S U P E R H E R O E S

BY DAVE PEPEY


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Token Black Man
Saving the white liberal establishment from embarassment, Token Black Man brings his unaccented, ivy league diction to all-white dinner parties, book readings and other cultural venues everywhere. Slightly uncomfortable liberals, upon noticing their very unintentional, really, they are very sensitive to diversity issues, exclusivity, begin to talk loudly and rapidly about the new Eminem CD in hopes of staving off their inevitable guilt. Token Black Man senses their pain, and rushes to rescue them, gliding smoothly into any potentially awkward situation with the just right mix of talent (sings, acts, has a fair jump shot) and unthreatening sexuality.

Paul Rudd
Fearing a lull in the representation of self-deprecating Jewish men that lack the intellect of Woody Allen, Paul Rudd has dashed his acting aspirations upon the rock of romantic comedies. As Jonathan Silverman makes his move into his new mantle as the thinking man's Jack Scalia and Patrick Dempsey fades into obscurity, watch Paul Rudd mangle his talent in service of yet another 90 minutes of misunderstandings and mediocre repartee before finally winning Her love.

Unthreatening Gay Friend
Unthreatening Gay Friend spices up everyone's lives, just enough. A sprinkle of show tunes, always spot on decorating tips, and a great shopping buddy, UGF brings that missing sense of femininity to hetero women's lives, and to their boyfriends, enduring validation that they just aren't that way. UGF has taken to the airwaves with his powers, completely bereft of sexuality, to tame the fears of the masses that he takes pleasure from physical intimacy with other men.

Girl
Obviously.

Wanda, in Accounting
Wanda is the unheralded partner of Token Black Man. Her powers for good serve a much more narrow audience: Human Resources staffers and employment law specialists. By holding down a poorly-paid, mostly invisible position in the back office of professional firms everywhere, she maintains a delicate detente between these two warring factions. Her servility when visited by Human Resources staffers, salted with just the right amount of sassy attitude isn't even part of her powers: it's just a sign of her appreciation for the largess of a benign corporate entity.





OTHER McSWEENEY'S STORIES
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Ben, We Hardly Knew Ye: A Fromage by Dan Vaden
The Last Ten Minutes of Lunch: Sponsored by CDNOW by Patience Lee
Not Separated at Birth by Sarah Mason and John Pull
A Letter from the Editor by Harry J. Tipple
Found on the MTA by Roo Jobes



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