B E N,   W E   H A R D L Y
K N E W   Y E:
A   F R O M A G E

BY DAN VADEN


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HORROR FILMS FROM AN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE WHERE SOME THINGS ARE MADE OF CHEESE

The Cheese
A quarter-wheel of asiago is possessed by what seems to be the devil. The cheese then goes on a fondue in rural Nevada. James Brolin (sharp cheddar) fights for his life, and tries to save Kim Richards (marscapone). This may not happen, since IMDB doesn't give that level of detail for such a marginal film, but boy, that Kim Richards! Did you see her in Tuff Turf? What a hottie!

Suet
Another film set in the desert. In this, Dennis Weaver (edam) is locked in a deadly battle with a semi-truck driven by an unseen evil force, possibly aged havarti, or the devil.

Death Cheese
George Kennedy (cambazola) and Richard Crenna (curworthy) are trapped aboard a slab of corleggy, which may or may not be possessed by the devil. This film is notable for the repeated close-ups of the corleggy sluicing through the frigid waters of the North Atlantic. George Kennedy has unsually nice smelling breath, even though the entire film takes place aboard a piece of cheese, which is ultimately defeated when Kennedy eats the entire (cheese) engine room.






OTHER McSWEENEY'S STORIES
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Not Separated at Birth by Sarah Mason and John Pull
A Letter from the Editor by Harry J. Tipple
Found on the MTA by Roo Jobes
Cafe Au Lait: Our Reporter Goes Undercover to Investigate the World of Coffee Slugs by Sam Smilbone
I Wish I'd Never Gone Through Puberty by Tara Wray



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