D I A L O G U E   F O U R T E E N

BY KIM GRANGER


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Setting: a barren outcropping of volcanic rock on the southeastern slope of a dust mote just flaked off from the top edge of R. Johnson's A new history of the Grecian states: from their earliest period to their extinction by the Ottomans, containing an account of their most memorable sieges and battles and the character and exploits of their most celebrated heroes, orators, and philosophers, ebellished with copper-plate cuts, designed for the use of young ladies and gentlemen, London.

First Man (Richard Johnson): The very flattering Reception my Hiftory of the Roman Commonwealth has received, has encouraged me to attempt, on the fame plan, and with the fame views, A Hiftory of the Grecian States: thofe States which, though inconfiderable in their extent, gave law to the furrounding nations, and brought favage man, who till then wandered in the wilds of ignorance and barbarity, into the pale of civil fociety, and forced the rude cuftoms of favages to yield to the refinements of the polite arts and fciences. Though her lofty domes are now no longer vifible, though her ftately and magnificent cities have been long fince levelled with the earth, and the martial fpirit has feased to exift on Grecian foil; yet the deeds of her Heroes, Legiflators, and Philofophers, will die only with Time itfelf.

Second Man (Kram Ollech): Richard, why don't you just bite me?

First Man: Sir, I don't believe I have feen you here before. Nor do I take your meaning; though I comprehend by your rude fpeech that you offer fome infult.

Second Man (rolls eyes): Man, you are so not cool. I really think you should just bite me. Ya know?

First Man (reddening): Sir (if indeed you are a Gentleman): I divine your impudence, and like it not. If you infift on offering me naught but infults, will fifticuffs fuit you better?

Second Man (making to leave): Whoa, dude. Go easy! Violence is just not the way. Quit acting all like a Grecian on me, will ya? They were a very intense bunch of dudes, man. You don't wanna be that way. I'm tellin' you: they hurt people. And that is very uncool. Try to get a grip on yourself.

First Man (smouldering): I have heard, and feen, enough.




OTHER McSWEENEY'S STORIES
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Capricious Savagery: The Last in A Series of Fables Involving Child Stars, Complete with Biblical Allusions by Ann J. O'Keene
Errata by Gerry Haslet
Recently, at the Biennial by Victor Maskell
You Can Go Home Again by Johann Livelb
The McSweeney's Allegory Contest Results

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