Y O U   C A N   G O
H O M E   A G A I N

BY JOHANN LIVELB


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In a recent announcement, researchers at the University of Arizona confirmed, via DNA tests of hundreds of Palestinian and Israeli men, that Abraham was indeed the progenitor of the Palestinian and Israeli peoples, as is claimed in the Bible. Some recent incidents following this groundbreaking research:

In Jerusalem, Ari K., visited the home of Solomon W., bringing him a set of pewter candlesticks purchased at Pottery Barn. Solomon, who had previously shouted death threats at Ari, embraced him with the vigor of dear relative.

In New York, Kitty Pilgrim placed a call to Tel Aviv Car Service for an upcoming trip from JFK Airport to Portland, Oregon, to visit her mother-in-law. She gets along with her much better now, having discovered a mutual interest in Patricia Cornwall. Until recently, Kitty had been afraid to patronize Tel Aviv, thinking mistakenly it was owned by Serbs and might be the target of UN Bombing.

In rural Illinois, Jeff S. and Michael Q. took to calling their friend Kevin M. derogatory names for Jews behind his back. To his face, they continue to call him Shrimp, a nickname they have used for several years.

Everywhere around the world, there was music playing, dancers swaying. There was dancing in the street.




OTHER McSWEENEY'S STORIES
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The McSweeney's Allegory Contest Results
A Note on the Type by Benjamin S. White
The 'I Love You' Virus: A PSA by James H. Twinbein
Seven Habits of Highly Effective Sinners by Gabriel Swan



 



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