O H,   D A V I D   G E R G E N,
D A V I D   G E R G E N !


BY ROGER TICHBORNE

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There are people with very long fingers, the bones of which are too brittle to use, but I am not one of them. I do feel sorry for them and wish them well whenever I stop to think about them. It is just that I do not stop to think about them very much. In fact, I never have before now. Instead, I usually think about my own life and my own concerns and how to make things better. For me personally, I am sad to say, not for the people with very long fingers, the bones of which are too brittle to use.

And now I have come to realize that there is a portal into my brain hidden behind a filing cabinet in an office building somewhere. This is a helpful realization for me because:

1. Many of the stupid things I have done recently like _____, _____, and_____ were not done by me, but by strangers who paid $70 for the novelty of being someone else and just got carried away in their excitement.

2. If I can locate this office building and slide down the portal into my own brain, I will emerge into a world where all the other people - large men in expensive suits, little girls eating ice cream, attractive women with bulging cleavage - will have my own head instead of their own. And they will say nothing but my own name in a barking fashion. This will be soothing to me and not all that jarringly different from ordinary reality except more obvious. I will stay as long as I can but it won't be very long, probably only fifteen minutes.

3. Only very powerful individuals can stay inside my brain for longer than fifteen minutes and one of them is David Gergen. I am hoping that David Gergen will pay $70 for the novelty of being me. Why would David Gergen want to do that, when he is such an accomplished individual in his own right? David Gergen would do it for the novelty of using my fingers because David Gergen has very long fingers, the bones of which are too brittle to use. I am hoping that he will enjoy the use of my fingers so much he will use the strength of his personality to stay in my brain for longer than fifteen minutes, perhaps even years. If David Gergen would be me, I could dance to save the world. If David Gergen would be me, people would write poetry for me and letters of recommendation also.

Oh David Gergen, David Gergen, my face is not made of putty and my fingers are short and strong!


OTHER McSWEENEY'S STORIES
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An Amerian (Subsidiary) Tragedy by C.C. Baxter
How Do I War Thee? Let Me Count the Ways
by Lavage Scarliotti

 



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