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O H, D A V
I D G E R G E N,
D A V I D G E R G E N !
BY ROGER TICHBORNE
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There are people with very long
fingers, the bones of which are too brittle to use, but I am not one
of them. I do feel sorry for them and wish them well whenever I stop
to think about them. It is just that I do not stop to think about them
very much. In fact, I never have before now. Instead, I usually think
about my own life and my own concerns and how to make things better.
For me personally, I am sad to say, not for the people with very long
fingers, the bones of which are too brittle to use.
And now I have come to realize that there is a portal into my brain
hidden behind a filing cabinet in an office building somewhere. This
is a helpful realization for me because:
1. Many of the stupid things I have done recently like _____, _____,
and_____ were not done by me, but by strangers who paid $70 for the
novelty of being someone else and just got carried away in their excitement.
2. If I can locate this office building and slide down the portal into
my own brain, I will emerge into a world where all the other people
- large men in expensive suits, little girls eating ice cream, attractive
women with bulging cleavage - will have my own head instead of their
own. And they will say nothing but my own name in a barking fashion.
This will be soothing to me and not all that jarringly different from
ordinary reality except more obvious. I will stay as long as I can but
it won't be very long, probably only fifteen minutes.
3. Only very powerful individuals can stay inside my brain for longer
than fifteen minutes and one of them is David Gergen. I am hoping that
David Gergen will pay $70 for the novelty of being me. Why would David
Gergen want to do that, when he is such an accomplished individual in
his own right? David Gergen would do it for the novelty of using my
fingers because David Gergen has very long fingers, the bones of which
are too brittle to use. I am hoping that he will enjoy the use of my
fingers so much he will use the strength of his personality to stay
in my brain for longer than fifteen minutes, perhaps even years. If
David Gergen would be me, I could dance to save the world. If David
Gergen would be me, people would write poetry for me and letters of
recommendation also.
Oh David Gergen, David Gergen, my face is not made of putty and my fingers
are short and strong!
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